everybody says, "i love you."
i say it to my family, i say it to my friends.. people say it when some one does something funny, silly, or stupid: "oh, i love you, you're so funny."
i have said it to four men, only two of whom i think i really loved. so why did i tell the other two that i love(d) them?
the first man that i professed love for was my first boyfriend, sean, who i loved more as an older best friend than a partner and i found that he felt the very same way when we discussed it at a later, more mature time.
the second man was joel.
when i think of the love i felt for joel, i don't think of too many adjectives or synonyms, i think of pictures and snapshots of memories... sunflowers, donuts, butterfly kisses, first times, his pajamas, our promise rings, the way his eyes look...etc. the feelings that all of those images give me is love, plain and simple. not infatuation or twitter-pated, puppy-dog love. but i lost all insecurity with that man, i was a good person with that man, we brought out the best in each other for a while.
now, again, why did i tell the last two that i loved them?
joel had given me more that i can tell, and when he left me he left me an empty shell of a human being. i don't blame him at all anymore. i truly blame myself for being young and immature, i blew things very out of proportion and was a drama queen. things would have been much different if i knew then what i know now...but don't we always say that?
sorry, i am ranting and going off on to another tangent. but, funny, i didn't back space all of that...i need to stick with my point.
my point is that i was jaded and sick.
sick for attention, and i was willing to take any attention i could get. the next guy was dumb ass hick mitchell. don't get me wrong i am down for country boys, but man this dude was as dumb as a box of rocks. but he gave me attention, he "loved" me right when i was in the mindset that no one would ever love me again and i could never love again. this is what we call rebound. it was short lasted, maybe two months. i didn't love him, i said it to keep him around. alas, the truth. it was to keep him interested.
now, for mason...the most confusing part of my monologue. mason and i talked, and talked, and talked some more. and i felt that he was very interesting. now, i believe that maybe the reason why i loved mason was because i wanted to save mason. we didn't start the, "i love you"s until after he got back from iraq and began heavily drinking. i thought that if i kept him long enough to save him, and when i did, i really might love him in the end. poor judgement on my part, again. i can't save everyone and sometimes if i think they need saving, they may not. who am i to say they need redemption. that is very wrong of me to try to be God in a sense. but i digress, at times i thought i really do love him and right after i thought that i would question it every time with, "but am i just comfortable?" or, "is it because i don't want to be alone."
both mason and i didn't want to be alone, we both were hurting and wanted someone to fill that void.
it will never work. not until i am complete all on my own.
to make a whole, in a relationship, there is a union of two parts. man= 1/2, woman= 1/2, together is obviously one whole piece.
but if the woman and the man are missing pieces of say their heart, spirit, self-esteem...then it just doesn't work out.
i promise to never say that i love another man until i am whole and really mean it.
its just wrong to lie about such a beautiful word.
i am excited to start working on my pieces and even more excited to have all new glorious images to tie to the word Love with my future husband or whatever.
:)
