currently i am trying my hardest to surround myself with all of the beautiful things in my life.
i have sweet scented candles burning, The Last Unicorn-- my favorite movie--playing in the background, sunflowers next to my bed, and all of my scrapbooks spread around me.
why am i doing all of this?
because i am in a good mood?
quite the contrary, i am disgusted with humanity at the moment. thats a big emotion to take on because humanity is such a complex thing but after the events i was a part of today and last night i am full of emotion right now.
i havent cried yet, i dont know if i will.
today was such a big wake-up call for me and i hope to God it was for my friend as well.
i spent nine hours of my day in hospitals, rape clinics, and police stations. all for one sad, beautiful, lost girl. i look at her, as she is eighteen, and see my sophomore-in-high-school self. she recently lost her virginity and since then it seems to me that she has been going downhill fast. thankfully she didnt lose her virginity in a forced manner like i did, but she lost it to someone she doesnt love which can hurt a lot too. i heard a porn star say this in an interview once and it really hit me, "everytime i have sex, a piece of my soul rips apart... i cant ever get that back." it is my personal opinion, based off of life experiences, that she is 100% correct. the act of sex is supposed to be shared with someone you love. it is supposed to be a painless, beautiful bond.
last night she was raped by a disgusting human being.
i dont know him personally, and you can think that i am judgemental, but for an individual to assert the totalitarian authority over another during a sacred act such as sex, when the counterpart clearly says, "no" it makes you the most basest, disgusting creature alive.
i am very sad for my friend. before last night and since she lost her virginity there has been something very off about her. she doesnt come to school, she is sick all of the time, and she smokes a ridiculous amount of weed and tobacco. not to mention has had multiple partners in the span of a couple of months. i am not putting this stuff on blast on here because i am talking shit, or acting better than her i am proving that that porn star's words have substance.
my friend was not in a good place, and was not doing good things. i will never say that last night was her fault, as that has been told to me by someone very important, and hurts worse than the act. but i do hope that she learns not to be in such places doing such things.
this horrible man physically injured her all over and inside her body. not to mention how mentally "fucked up" she is right now. today was not easy for her either and i am so glad that i put her there. in the end it was her choice to go to the hospital, it was her car, she drove. but this morning when she told me what had happened it sounded like a call for help. i was in the right place at the right time with all of the experience to help this girl. and kind of selfishly i told her about my life and me letting that guy go to get her to take action. she decided tell and get checked out after my horror stories; mine. i have never more thankful of the things, good and bad, that i have witnessed in my life than i did today. i am so grateful and honestly happy that she went through what she went through today and that i was there to help her through it.
when people ask me why i didnt get that guy in trouble i always say the same thing, "its different when it happens to you, you feel disgusting and dont want to tell anyone about it." and i still stand by that, but i have learned that it is far too wrong to let go. i have lived with five years and counting of internal disgust with myself for not doing the right thing and i was not about to let that girl do the same. she hasnt told anyone but me and professionals about everything and i pray that she tells her mother and people that love her. you need that, you need a support group that will love you no matter what. i felt unworthy of love for so long. cause when that first piece of your soul tears away it is terribly easy to keep going down the wrong path and losing more of it along the way.
phew, still no tears yet. i am trying to stay detached and unemotional while writing this so i can actually finish it.
in explanation of my title: that is what that man said to her last night. she told me that is a direct quote and she told me right after talking to the first police officer. i thought i was going to throw up. i tried so hard to stay strong for her all day and not cry, or get sick. i felt like a parent; talking to doctors, making sure shit got taken care of, soothing her... my heart is so weak right now.
but i wouldnt give today up for the world.
it has been my personal maxim in life to always help others. and i think i actually helped someone today. i am trying not to dwell on how much hatred i hold in my heart for the people that destroy lives by rape, but it is such a looming feeling right now. i need to go to sleep, wake up bright and early, and cherish the rest of my life. and i promise i will.
life is a beautiful thing.
humanity may be grotesque, but life will always be beautiful.
you just have to learn from the dark spots and help everyone you can to get through them too.
then you'll find less and less darkness in your life and more radiance.
goodnight.
pray that i don't have nightmares.
the tears hit me as i read over this for spelling errors.
